This is me

I'm finally done with all the crap drama and stuff that's been consuming my mind and stressing me out. It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know that this stuff is silly and pointless, but I do. I'm worrying over things that are completely petty. Like prom. I said I'd stop worrying about it, but all of my friends are telling me that I shouldn't worry, I'll get a date but now I don't want one because I know it won't happen and there's no point in waiting for something that will not happen. It hasn't happened yet, it will not happen. I shouldn't have to wait. I'M GOING BY MYSELF AND I'M GOING TO HAVE AN AMAZING TIME. I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE IN MY GROUP THAT'S "SINGLE" AND NOT TIED DOWN. there, it sounds a lot better that way and I like it. hm! :)

For times like these I need to resort back to our 2009 motto: This is me. I like it. If you have a problem with it, then EFF YOU!!!!! That's been my biggest problem. I started letting the enemy whisper his lies into my mind. I started believing the lies of: perhaps it's you, you're not beautiful enough, you're too confidant and that scares guys, you're not attractive, you're too desperate, you're bigger than those other girls.... NO. Devil, go back to Hell where you belong. Leave my presence at once in the name of Jesus Christ. you have no authority here. God is my one and only provider. He is the only one who will ever satisfy my love, my needs, and my attentions. I give praise to you on this day, Lord God, because you have brought me out of the depths of innumerable depressions and darknesses. Thank you Jesus!

If you don't like the way I am, the way I look, then you can get over it because this is how God made me, and that means that you're defying God. I don't want to change for you anyway. I want to change because God wants me to change. I want to change for God and no one else.

I'm tired of being insecure in my mind. People don't see and hear what goes on in my mind about myself, and I try to keep it that way. I don't want people seeing this weakness and not confide in me. well, I don't want to say that either. I do have weaknesses, and I hope that God will use these weaknesses as strengths for his glory and causes. God I ask that you use me for your will, help me to be strong when I am weak. Give me strength to do as you want me to do. I love you Lord God. In Jesus name, Amen.

God Bless

Buano Acubariki

Last night I was able to see Pastor Glorious and his wife Josephine again. I've missed them in a small ways. I missed the sound of their Tanzanian accents as well as how they smell. Josephine admittedly smells like body odor, but it suits her. I couldn't think of her smelling a different way and it makes it all ok. I know in American culture it isn't pleasant at all but just knowing that she is from a, well, lesser society creates an easy atmosphere. Their orphanage has 446 children!!! and only 55 teachers including all of their cooks, janitors and such. let's see, that's about 9 or so children per person? yes.
Oh, I want to visit there so bad now! I want to teach there!! I really really believe that is the vision that God has placed before me. Yes, it'll probably be so so so so scary once I actually am putting action into doing it, but last night when they were showing the pictures, I could imagine myself in the school. I could imagine teaching the Tanzanian children how to read and sing music. It's one of the biggest reasons I'm deciding to do Music Education at UNCG, I want to teach. It's what God told me to do. God said to me one night about a year ago, "Teach my love through your love". For the longest time I could not understand what he was talking about. Then I thought he meant quite literally, TEACH! and I thought, "what?? me, teach?? I've never even dreamed of it! they don't get paid enough, etc." But then I started to think about actually teaching and I realized that people don't teach for the money, they teach because they love to. They love the subject they teach, they love to see the progress in their student's eyes and grades and attitudes.
My second thought last night at the meeting was: Teach in Africa?? Live in Africa? what will you get out of teaching these children who are living in a third(0r second, whatever) world country?? Glorious conveyed to us that it isn't about us. It's about serving God. It's about teaching these children, teaching them how to succeed in life, to be missionaries and evangelists for the word of God so that they can go back home and spread the Love of God to their families and friends. I want to do that! I want to go and help the children for God!!! I want God to employ me as an instrument for his will.
It's all so wonderful and terrifying at the same time! I want to do this so bad, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to, that I'll not keep my promise. But I know that God will give me the strength and I must help myself. I need to keep Tanzania as a goal to reach towards and an object that will help me through 5 years minimum of college.
There's just so much that I want to do before then, but I don't know for sure. I've always dreamed of marrying young, perhaps in college. I can't control if I marry anyone early, though. Heck, I don't even have anyone who loves me right now. I don't mean that in a pitiful way. I don't have a "significant other" currently. I need to stop worrying about what may not even happen in the future and focus on progressing towards my future. Why is it that girls think of so many things at one time?? I have so much going through my mind right now. I can't even begin to put it all on here. So I won't.
I want to obey God. I want to put myself aside as much as possible and focus on executing the commands and wishes he has for me during my life. I really really strongly believe that God is calling me to go to Tanzania. There are so many things I must accomplish in order to get there though. I don't think I have ever asked for someone to pray for me, but please pray that I keep my focus on the will of God and these children. God bless you so much and have a wonderful day/week.

collections; new and old

Ok, so small update on me: I've given up looking for a prom date. I'm going with Emily and that's all there is to it. And I'm actually happy with that. Really happy. :)

So, anyway, I've always loved poetry in a sense, and I'll have to admit that since right now we're analyzing poetry in AP 4 I'm actually kind of enjoying it. anyway, I made this one last night since we got 7 INCHES of SNOW!! It rather inspired me to write this. Oh, and I don't think it has a title yet, so if you can come up with one please share :)

snow...such magical qualities.
loud silence
continuous
undisturbed
such a smooth expanse of
numerous crystals, sparkling and
clinging, soft and stinging.
eraser of identities, definer of entities.
solid liquid, enrapturing, capturing
not an ounce absorbed of the red-tinged
night.
like a wild dance, he and the wind
that brushes the thin cold branches.
that which is created of dismal cold
nurtures the glowing warmth.
loudly silent
His clever interweaving of geometric
wonders in a simple monotonous design,
each one important to the next
qualities...magical
such snow.

ok, so there's that one. and this one I thought some would like because it's about what we all love to hear every once in a while.

The divine bliss...pure joy. Nothing sweeter than the lyrical sound of string against string, wind perfecting tone, ivory and vibration.
In the dar haze of the stage lights I see the glint and sparkle of brass and silver held cooly by crisp white shirts and red bowties.
I catch the rustle of black dresses in the shadows and darkness of the curtains; two performers of art anxiously awaiting...
The lights dim and the rooms grows silent. Then, a sudden explosion of boisterous energy erupts as our star comes forth, bringing a new masterpiece to be presented. Her rich cascade of notes and vibrato soar to the ceiling along with the band's sharp accompaniment.
Her attire, more brilliant than diamonds, as if all the stars in the universe were sewn and pulled together with one silver thread. With a large, dazzling pendant at her throat and tower of shining curls upon her head.
This mistress of language, one known communication that links the nations afar. With just two syllables, the very mention of its name can wake the people of now and then... what is it?
Music.
created November/December 2005

well, there it is. If you do read this then thank you so much and I hope it inspires you. If I think of any other good ones to put up then I certainly will. God bless and enjoy the wonderous snow snow snow snow snow!!! :D
Love♥

If I had a wooden boat...

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dearie me!!

I'm starting to worry about my prom plans!! so far all of the people I've asked either don't want to go or can't go!! I'm starting to run out of options.... However, if it comes down to it, I do have a few people to travel with and who knows, maybe Emily and I can go together since she doesn't have a date yet either. lol. well, she doesn't have a date YET. hopefully she will!

Fortunately, as far as dress wise, I'm getting good to go. I have the dress, shoes, hair appointment :D just have to made some adjustments/decorations on my dress to match my mask(Venetian!!) and I'll be set. I know this isn't very exciting, but it's really helping me to get it out of my mind. sorta.

I don't want to pressure people into going. I have so many people who that's happened to and I can't stand to make anybody do that...well, again. that's a long story. and it's not what you think. and it's all good now :) I just want a prom date for my senior prom, probably the last prom I'll go to and I want to have fun. I want to have fun with somebody. I don't necessarily mean romantically either. The biggest trait of a sapphire is to have fun!! I know either way, I'm going to have a blast. I really need to leave it to God and put it in his hands. I think I've almost done all that I can.

I've been by myself for the past week. It's been very convenient and fun. I spent practically half of that time at Emily's, watching food network and working the Ladies Hat Society!! Yay, I love inside jokes :D Emily has grown to be one of my best friends and I love her very dearly♥ It'll be sad when we have to part ways after graduation. But let's not talk about that right now!

well, that's basically all I have to say. I need to chill out a bit and take it easy. Mommy and Daddy are coming home tomorrow!! Yay, I don't have to sleep in this huge house alone for a while! :D God Bless and Happy Mardi Gras!!! wooo!! hehe.

The Blessed Hands of God

Ok, so perhaps I do have something philosophical to write about.
Whenever one is troubled or bored or wants to get out of the house, one thinks that going on a walk is a very good idea. So I did just that.
Actually, I'm not being positively honest. Yes, all of those reasons above are true but I've been thinking about how out of shape I've always been and I allowed those temptations to get ahold of me so I went on the walk to prove them wrong. I'll get back to that soon.
Nice, brisk afternoon. Slightly chilly because of the wind, but still a gloriously beautiful day. My cheeks are still tingling from the wonderful coldness of it all. If you didn't know, I love cold weather.
So, I'm walking with Max(my dog) and making sure that he doesn't chase after cars or run himself to death and I get to the end of the road and meander out into the open field(simultaneously thinking about how it was the same field the helicopter landed in when my brother had his accident and had to be flown to the hospital). It's a beautiful day. I listen to the sound of the wind, the whoosh of the cars passing by on the nearby road. I sit down with my back to the road, facing the open field as Max prances around me, rolling around like he was 2 years old again. For a 14 year old dog, he sure doesn't act like it often.
My mind is clouded with what all I have to accomplish this weekend and in the next coming weeks. I'm thinking about who to go to prom with, my conversation with my Danish student, Sofie, online, the four page paper that's due on Tuesday about the use of allusions in Frankenstein. There are dark clouds rolling in from the north west and I start to think about the allusion of lightning and occurences in Frankenstein and how it relates to the force of nature.
I lie back on the prickly, dead grass and watch the clouds roll in and begin to ponder the forces of nature. The forces that control the weather, how without all the bugs and mosquitoes on the earth frogs wouldn't be able to live and all the other creatures that eat the frogs in order to survive. The food chain of life that sustains itself throughout all of time. Then I realize all of this works in accordance because God says so. God made all of this work the way it is to protect us and sustain our lives on this planet.
I notice that the dark clouds have covered where my house is in the little alcove at the base of the mountain. I decide to head back and Max comes with me. I'm watching him wander around the nearest yard, on the other side of the barb wire fence and wonder why if he's going to get himself stuck up there. I call for him to get out and stop being silly. I have my attention focused on him when suddenly my left catches and falls off the side of the pavement and I fall forward, landing hard on my palms. Still overcome and started by the subtlety of the unexpectedness and the bafflement of how fluent my body was able to fall, I hear...no, ... I don't know if I heard it, but there in that moment I heard: I gave you these hands. Then I thought of what would have happened if my hands hadn't have come out to stop me?What if God hadn't given me hands? I would have hit my face and I would have been in really bad shape.
I suddenly realize how fortunate I am to have hands. I am fortunate to have a body to maneuver. I am fortunate to have a body to walk with on a beautiful day. I realize that I really do need to stop focusing on the thought of how my body looks and think of how I am a body. I realized further that God has said: These hands. Being the AP english nerd that I am, I ponder of the importance of that word and think of how a mother will guide her daughter's or son's hands when stirring a batter of cookie dough, how the mother will firmly but gently take hold of the small hands so that they will know what to do next time. I now think of God that way; holding onto my hands, making sure I'm doing the right actions. I need to use my hands to benefit God, benefit and bring glory to him by using them correctly.
That is my focus now.

IN UPENDEZI!!!

Ok, so I don't really have anything philosophical to write about today, but it's Valentine's Day and I wanted to write something. And yeah, I haven't put anything down in a while, but here it is!! :D

So yeah, I don't really have a Valentine except Emily Cooke(lol), but I know one day I will and then it'll be really great fun. :)

Last night I went to Winter Jam where I worked as a volunteer for the Holt International Sponsoring booth, the largest charity that gives money to help needy children and such around the globe. So many of those kids on the cards were adorable and I believe the whole night 120 or more children were sponsored!! God is amazing!! I was also able to meet Kim Deardorff, a professional Korean pianist who was adopted through Holt International during 1964!! Kim is an amazing person, very amiable, funny, kind and compassionate. During the end of "Act 1" he gave his testimony and they also pulled some footage of when he was getting adopted back in 1964 when he was a baby!! He was found in a trash can and soon after that he was adopted by an American couple who brought he and his older sister to the United States. He was absolutely adorable and it really really inspired a lot of people to come and help the other children that are in need. Now, I really really want to bring up the Holt opportunity to the SHINE kids and have us put together some money to sponsor one or two children. That would be pretty amazing.

Besides having a headache, a slight sore throat and kinda falling asleep driving back, I had a great time and hopefully next year I'll perhaps be able to attend again. Maybe not as a volunteer since I didn't really get to see the actual show( Hawk Nelson, Brandan Heath, Newsong, TOBYMAC!!!!!!!!!♥) but I think even volunteering will be ok. It wasn't nearly as bad or challenging as I thought it would be.

Well, back to the subject of Valentine's Day.... I hope everybody has a wonderful "I love you" day and you'll cherish all of these moments for years to come. As for me, I can't wait to buy all the on-sale chocolate and candy tomorrow......hehehe. :D

Spread Love like Violence. ;)

Beneath the still waters

Something's been troubling me just recently. Something about someone, I guess I could say. And it hurts to contemplate it.
It's one thing to know somebody who is hurting and they don't know God, but it's something completely different if this person is so much a part of God and yet it is so difficult for them to endure their suffering. I can't even think of how to describe this...
Someone who is so amazing, so amiable, life changing, inspiring could think that they were so much....undignified. Not worth a lot of people's thoughts with a history of depression. Upon discovering this I was absolutely shocked that such a person could think of themselves in such a way. Now, I don't know. I may be over exaggerating, but I can sense this when I look at this person. I can feel the distractions and disturbance deep below the smooth and happy-go-lucky surface.
Does this person really really know how amazing they are to me?? How absolutely inspiring and dazzling to my eyes I have viewed this person? Half of me is weighing the thought: well, yes they must know that they're amazing because I told them so. But the other half weighs: Do they really really know?? Did they just brush it aside as an "aww, that's cute that they think that of me" message or was it an "wow, that really makes me feel great!" I can't be certain and I don't want to ask. I know the best way to find out, of course, is to just ask the person but there are times when you know that God is telling you: just let it sink in for them. Only time can allow this person to truly understand and appreciate the thoughts that you've shared with them.
I didn't tell this person that they're awesome so that I can get some type of wonderful response back. In fact, I haven't had a response back at all. I haven't even brought it up since. I said it because that is how the person truly is conveyed to me. That is what that person means to me. I just know that God wanted me to plant that seed of encouragement, knowing that one day that seed will grow and grow and become a tree that will shed more seeds for those around it who may be reaching out for a sign from God or some type of encouragement. So I realize now that I have been spreading God's word like I've been striving to do.
Time, as a Buddy of mine once theorized, is one of our biggest enemies because of it's unpredictability and concept of reality that we as humans can't grasp. I pray that in time this person will come to realize just how special they are and have been to me. I pray for you every night. I love you so much and I know that you will be that one note, one perfect sound wave that will strike the right key in someone's heart, in many people's hearts. I pray that one day, at the right time, you'll know just how to respond to that as well.
Thank you God for your absolute wonderfulness and wisdom that you have bestowed on me today. Thank you.

The House of Medici

You know, just recently I've been thinking about God's plan for me and the positives in my life. I find that life is a lot better and more productive if I focus on the good that I have rather than complaining. I guess that's one vice I've been trying to work on: not complaining. I've been trying to turn the situations around. For example: my hands are freezing; but I have gloves and such to warm it up with, it's really cold outside; but I'm inside where it's decently warm. Hey, I HAVE a house that's heated and the heating is finally fixed.
Thanks to Jessy Downey, now in the mornings when I pray in the shower(yes, I pray in the shower), I thank God for the simple and obvious things in my life like: Thank you God that I got some sleep last night, that I have a bed to sleep in, a house to live in, that I'm not in a wheelchair, that I have food to eat, a car to drive, a school that I can learn in(occasionally. no really). It makes life so much more.....gratifying. God is an amazing Creator and giver of life, and something I read in a book I'm reading, The House of Medici, Cosimo Medici, the patriarch and richest man in all of Florence during the Renaissance period stated: "Never shall I be able to give God enough to set him down in my books as a debtor." That made an immense impact on me. We as human beings could never be able to give enough to God for him to be indebted to us, because we are already indebted to him. The only act that could come anywhere near his grace and mercy would be giving our lives to him, because he gave our lives to us. Dang, I just got cold chills from that! Do you know what I mean??
A lot of this makes me think about my goals for the future and If I really am following God's plan. I need to set my goals according to his will of what he gave me and ask myself often why exactly am I striving for what I am. Why do I want a Music Education degree?? Not just because it's fun, but I want to be able to impact the people around me with what I have learned. No, what God has allowed me to retain. That's it. I guess in the long run I am sharing this with you so that you'll be able to find your true self and identify your abilities with those that God gave you, just as I have done by reading someone else's blog. Thanks Buddy. This really was a good idea. Benedicite, everyone.